Don't read this if you are looking for warm and fuzzy

So we got the results from Joshua's CT scan.... As you can guess from the title I am teetering from peace and panic. That's right I am not super spiritual about the answers. Honestly I am more just plain ole' mad. I'm TIRED of this baby having to have surgery, I am TIRED of not feeling like anything is easy for him. It seems like anything that could be wrong for a typical cleft affected kid is wrong plus some for him! I mean let's be honest here from birth his cleft has affected him. It made it so his biological parents felt like they needed to leave him at a lumber yard for someone to find.

I want to run to the top of a mountain and scream like a 2 year old, "It's not fair!!!!!"

Just being real... when I told a friend yesterday that I wasn't even teetering between peace and panic (more like peeved) she said with a laugh, "That's good at least you're not lukewarm, you're decisive."

Well, I'm ready to just have peace about it. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm on the verge of tears! But I know from past experiences that this is a journey. I know that God will once again show His faithfulness. I know that He will bring me beyond the 2 year old reaction. I know that He has good plans for Joshua. And even if I don't agree with what Josh has to go through I can trust Him that He knows. It is times like this I realize my finiteness.

How I wish my kids, especially Josh, didn't have to go through so much. You see it's not just another surgery. He has trouble with being anxious anyway and surgeries just make him nervous! They tend to make him regress emotionally and he already is fighting to catch up with his peers in a lot of areas. Though I still have to talk to the doctor, he is on vacation, it looks like from the report that what the doctor though could be happening has happened. Bottom line some bone in his middle ears that are supposed to be porous is hardening. Thus making it hard for air/ sound to travel through them. Basically what happens is infection, fluid, skin, etc. gets caught in the middle ear and can harden. I am fairly certain that what is in there now can be gotten out through reconstruction but the thing that causes all this, poor eustachian tube function, I'm not sure can be fixed surgically so it could possibly happen again. :(

The little man just got up and squeezed his cute little shirtless self on my lap. Do you ever just think, "How am I so blessed that God let me parent this amazing child?" I certainly do! Joshua is gradually talking clearer and clearer. He is coming up with the funniest things. Like "Man down, man down" when he fell in the car in our neighborhood because he had taken off his seatbelt. Like telling Isaac "me can't hear you, you whining, say nicely please" when Isaac was supposed to be asking him "nicely" for something.

Next Wednesday will be our 3rd adoption day anniversary with Joshua. To think God saw him in his mom's womb, knew we'd be his parents, and saw where he'd be today is quite humbling!

We'll make it through this journey, rather God will get us through this, just like He has in the past. I don't have to like it for any of us though!