The Dance

This term has been on my mind a lot recently. The adoption adjustment and attachment dance. I've read about it, heard about it, and felt it.

Adopting out of birth order. I've heard it, read about it, prayed through it, and lived it.

I've heard it's not fair... I wanted a younger sister.

I've heard it's not fair... I act older but yet am younger... she gets to have it both ways.

I've heard... we're embarrased... she acts silly...not 9.

I've done all the things you would do... reassure love... complained at the lack of compassion... felt sorry for a 10 and 9 year old that are just being that, 10 and 9,... felt sorry for the 9 year that has been taken from everything she ever knew to live here with us!

I try to let the child that has not experienced being 2 or 5 or 7 in this family be those ages at times. And at times I've had to show her how a 9 year old behaves. We don't jump on our friends when we see them, nor beg sisters or friends to do something we want over and over again. I teach taking turns, doing what other people want to do as well as wanting them to do what you want... you know the whole the world doesn't revolve around you thing. I've taught how to pretend with dolls, stuffed animals, play games.

God also gave my 9 year old, who was never taught how to just play, sisters that have taught those things to her very well!

There have been many times I have come face to face with this isn't easy!

There have been times I would just watch my virtual twins play. One an only child in a family for 9 years... the other the youngest daughter in a family for almost 9 years. When they get along they will frequently say, "We are getting along as well as we did when we were in China." Funny that they realize it!

I have dried tears as each cried over hurt feelings... these preteen girls of mine... each experiencing a major life change over the last year.

And this attachment dance... well it breaks my heart to think that Joy looks at us as most likely temporary... she hears us say it over and over but has never experienced it so will she ever believe us?

I pray she will, I pray she will one day see that the same God was with her in China, the one who created her, the one who cared for her in surgeries, sickness, pain, love, happiness. That God also knew a family that would forever love her. She would see that even though we go back and forward in this dance we are constant. Her siblings, her parents, everybody.

You see this has NOT been easy but as my girls play dolls together this afternoon I realize that not every parent cries when they see their kids playing together. I get to cry tears of gratefulness not because it's always peaceful but because I know that with every hard time is a learning lesson.

I think that's what God means when he says,

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I'm glad God is working His character into us. So I'm grateful for this dance of attachment, assurance, and character building.